I would like to think when I was growing up I wasn’t much of a selfish character, I would always be willing to help people even though sometimes it would have a negative affect on myself; I never really thought about it that way as it was second nature. But over the last 6-ish months people have probably thought I was bit of a bitch (i’m not going to lie) and I’m okay with that.
The last 6 months I’ve realised that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and as hard as that is sometimes you have just got to let go of them and stop trying, however from that you get a lot of backlash.
A close family member of mine was suffering a lot from depression and I tried to help them, but all the efforts I would put in they would just decline or not follow through on the plans set out for them. I actually lived with this family memeber and their depression (although it was very tough to see) was taking it’s toll on me. I was finding that I was putting countless amount of effort in just to be met with nothing and that was creating a lot of issues for myself. I was getting irratible, tired almost constantly, I could literally feel my energy being drained. So that is when I needed to become selifsh and look after myself.
I’m not going to lie, but the way I took care of myself and how I gone about it probably was the most awful way for both parties involved as I distanced myself completely.
I was in the middle of planning to move out with my partner throughout all of this, and it was tough. I mean, moving in with your partner for almost 4 years being no less that 80 miles apart, it’s meant to be exiting right? But the atmosphere around me at the time completely took that away from me, which in turn made me grow some kind of animosity towards this family memeber.
I could tell the relationship I had with this said person was deteriorating because as soon as I moved out there was a lot of arguments (probably both of our mental health issues clashing) but they were very much a keyboard warrior. I was having countless amount of texts coming through basically saying how much of a s*** person I was, and they were basically using every excuse in the book. Now, obviously reciving those texts you’re going to be a bit annoyed, am I right? So the inventiable happened and I bit back, I didn’t say anything mean but I just stated facts. I grew up beliving if I have nothing nice to say then I won’t say it at all, so that’s what I done. After I recived proabably a bibles length of a text (which I still haven’t read to this day) I decided that I have to truly focus on myself and carry on with my life. Afterall, I needed to settle down where I was, I started a new job so I had to make new friends, I was in a completely different area where I have no family around, so yeah, I did have to focus on myself.
At the end of the day, the only person that you can rely on 100% is yourself, so you have every right to be selfish (sometimes.)
I am thankful everyday for the people I have around me now, my Mum, my partner, my Nanna and El, my friends and the rest of my family, you have really got to count your blessing where you can.
Chaos in the Calm 